Speaking on Genuineness: Not just black and white

Being genuine... this word carries a lot of weight. Before I get into my own personal experience with genuineness and its implications in ones daily "going-ons", I want to preface with a few definitions I've stumbled across that I feel embody the concept. The first comes from psychologist Carl Rogers in his book titled, A Way of Being, in which he states, 

"Congruence, or genuineness, involves letting the other person know "who you are" emotionally. It may involve confrontation and the straightforward expression of personally owned feelings - both negative and positive.

With that in mind, I would like to add (or more so reiterate) to his wording of "'who you are' emotionally". To me, this gives the connotation of telling others "how you feel" and "getting things off your chest". And yes, while being genuine does involve those things, chances are if you have to sit down with someone to do this, it is due to a lack of genuineness that has occurred in the past on someones part. What I seek to discuss today is how to overcome the roller coaster that gives way to the "bottle-up/release" lifestyle that so many of us take part in habitually. 

Which leads me to my second definition of genuineness, and a definition that not only speaks to the nature of the concept but to the application within our personal, social, and workplace experiences. The quote is from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and it states, 

"A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus, but a molder of consensus." 

It's with this definition that I begin to give light to my personal experience with the concept of genuineness. Over the last couple weeks I have been tossing around this idea among peers and professors; however, the concept of genuineness is not something that be simply be conversed on. In other words, genuine is not a noun, but a verb. And a verb that carries a significant amount of complications of its own behind it. You see, as we have been discussing this topic in regards to human relations, I begin to search for it in the people around me.  And my observations bring to light both good and bad in myself, as well as good and bad in others. (Since this is my personal blog, I'll leave my observations of others out.) 

       So... I say all that to say,  I wrestled this entire time with what it meant to be genuine. I was hearing what my professors were saying, I was hearing what my peers were saying, and some part of me was agreeing. Yet some part of me, reluctantly, was opposing. There was something deep down inside of me that saw an incongruence. I began to wrestle with this idea. Now as it happens, A "testing opportunity" reared its head at a convenient time (as things of this sort tend to do). I was struggling to relate to those around me, and why their actions were not meeting my expectations. To make this more clear, I will give context. 

          I tend to be a very openly generous person, a trait I have taken pride in. I love to provide things, experiences, and opportunities for others, therein, providing me with the opportunity to share that with them. However, this all becomes problematic if you refer back to the last word of my first statement... "pride". Perhaps I had allowed this concept of generosity, a trait I have always regarded as very important to me, become something of a crutch for myself. 

After thinking about that for awhile I began to realize that a person can be disingenuous even through the outlet of generosity. What was occurring was my habit of generosity leading me to feel compelled to continue this behavior, even at the cost of my own desire. I found myself giving in situations I did not want to give in. As Robert Bolton (author of People Styles, & People Skills) would say, I was flexing in a "no-flex zone". I was choosing to do something, based on the feeling that it was what was expected of me. An act of disingenuousness itself. 

This realization was an eye opener for me, because it changed where and how I searched for genuineness in others. Don't always look for the obvious in a person, for most often, acts of disingenuousness occur far, far beneath the surface; many times so far, one may miss it in ones own self. 

As you are out with your significant others, friends, classmates, family, colleagues, or even strangers. Look to inspire a genuine attitude by exuding a genuine attitude. Look to receive someones generosity by reciprocating said generosity. Most of all however, the mark of a genuine man or woman is acting genuine in the midst of a storm of hypocrisy. Genuine isn't easy, but it is contagious; very, very contagious. And if you are an example of genuineness to others, they will take notice; not always consciously, but they will know that something is different about you. They will feel a desire to act the way you are, because they appreciated the way you acted toward them. As recreation managers we should seek to exude that contagiousness. 

The following is a video from well-known modern philosopher and writer Alan Watts regarding genuineness.